Hey - I'm a Romantic!

The definition of romantic, according to AnnaB! is simply that... of holding hands. Sweet, and easy. But hold hands the proper way boys and girls: palms together, fingers intertwined. None of this mitten-type hand holding when your fingers touch each other instead of your beau's. Any time two people hold hands, it SHOULD be considered romantic. 

I brought this up at a New Years Party to some random people I didn't know, and stirred up a bit of a rucckas. One girl thought my theory was bullshit because when she tried to hold her boys hand, it would last 30 seconds and then he'd pull away. Naturally, I'd wanted to give the girl the 'he's just not that into you' speech, but what do I know?... so I went on to explain: 'It's not the length that matters, it's the technique (I know... - as if we all haven't heard that one before *rolls eyes*)  and when she demonstrated how they held hands, it WAS in fact, ROMANTIC. 

So, you ask, 'if I'm giving it to her from behind, but holding her hand like that...' -yup,  it's romantic. 

'And if I finish and it goes up her nose...?'  -yup, still romantic. 

'And if I have my hands clasped like that over the back of  her head when I'm...',  WHOA, if your're holding your own hand romantically, that may count as only romantic to you. Let's not get the two confused. Everyone got it?

Alright: time to go through the motions: 

AnnaB Gives Bullshit Relationship Advice, A Topic She Know Nothing About

Step One: Getting Her Attention

How should you go about getting out of the friend zone with that pretty, shy, girl next door? Simple! Hold her hand. A girl usually reacts one of two ways: 1. she' s thrown off by it and pulls away (in which case boys, give up while you can, you're perma-friend-zone'd) or 2. she could be thrown off by it but allow it to continue, in which case, if you strategize how to get her bra off with the other hand, you'll be golden! *sidenote* Girls with attitude will test you when you go for their hand 'umm why are you holding my hand?' is a pretty straight-forwardly-common question. This does NOT MEAN 'stop holding my hand', it's just a test to see how you answer. The best way is the truth:  Tell them that is your BEST MOVE... OR tell them AnnaB told you to do it (I need more hits on this blog)

 

Step Two: Woo'ing Her

You got a date? Congratulations! Taking her to a Movie? How original! Need to make a move? Simple! Hold her hand. One of the best places to hold hands is at the movies. No one looks at you as if you're cheesy, cuz it's dark. You get to play with each others fingers and draw hearts in each others palms. But you're nervous about just reaching over? Wait until she grabs some popcorn, then meet her hand inside the bucket. Holding hands in popcorn is uber romantic. Your fingers intertwined in that buttery goodness, all slimey making your heart skip a beat! 

AND THEN, if you're really romantic - you could lick each others butter glistened fingers. Not in the sloppy 'I'm eating chicken wings' kinda way, but more like the way they do in porn, you know? Hold the  persons hand with both your own, choosing that one finger, then looking them romantically in the eyes and licking it super slow... and them swallowing hard? AND, once you're finished licking them, you could go back to hand holding. :)

I've been pretty adamant about this hand holding business the last month or so, and I stick by it. And when I think back, all the boys I tend to like...

 yup,.. they've held my hand.

Wrap your Head Around Some Roadkill Banter

One of my favorite things in the world is banter. Banter between men and women. that serves no purpose, because no point is really ever proven.  The different perspectives and opposing, unheard-of arguments can be down-right hilarious. And though there may be some leeway in both directions, a bit of compromise if you will, there definitely is no unanimous 'correct' answer or agreement. (I wonder what side most gay people take - still half and half?) And like a thirsty vampire looking for its next drop of blood, I search for such enraging topics that will segregate us from one another, forcing us to figure out a way to WIN. Win and rub it in for always. (but that's a topic for another blog)

I heard a radio show clip the other day, talking about the push and pull game we all play in relationships. Also known as cat and mouse, we chase one another in a means to impress or woo or prove our worthiness to the other person. The way the conversation was shaping up on this top-40-overplayed-crap-music radio station, was essentially re-iterrating the fact that men LIKE to chase women. The comparison made, was that men are hunters by nature - and they want to go out and hunt. That the chase pleasurable for them and they enjoy it. 

The dude was re-emphasizing the testosterone-driven-accomplishment that men feel for achieving the seldom-possible task of winning the girl over.  His female counterpart on the opposing microphone was trying to make sense of the fact that women shouldn't be 'easy to get', shouldn't make themselves readily available, but instead continue making dudes 'work for it'. The man goes on to say that no hunter, when going out with his shotgun, looking for that juicy piece of meat, would stop on the side of the road to take home the roadkill, because the roadkill was too easy to come by, and the roadkill held no challenge.

REWIND.... 'wait, did they just compare women, and aquiring women to roadkill?' I asked the boy who's hand I was holding at the time. 'Yup...yup they did' he says simply.

Take a breathe.

Let that all sink in. 

And once you've wrapped your heard around it,  you can push this joke to an EVEN MORE disrespectfully-uncomfortable spot,and start comparing picking up girls to clubbing seals... 'you just hit em on the head and drag em home, that's why dudes like chicks with long hair' (said people that will remain nameless) WELL, that steps over the line. And we as equals playing a game of flattery and intrigue and seduction can banter no more. Because really, what is there to say to counter-act that? Beyond the point of no return. Wow. 

One point mens team for the WIN. Hand-holding........off.

Let's Introduce Me (Pt. Two)

(theme song for this blog. The first half of lyrics are fun, but the whole song is good so...)

This is a little preview for any future boys that are attempting to woo e. I shall save you some of the interrogation (although,let's face it, that is my favorite par, because I get to talk about one of my favorite things [me])

I have a lot of rules. I can't write these down because most of them I make up as I go along. But I am attracted mainly to rockstars and assholes, so just pretend like you're one of those, and we'll get along great.

I'm 'AGAINST' a lot of things. Here is 1/2 of them:
-doctors (they've never told me anything useful)
-line-ups / waiting, for anything really (especially doctors... and rockshows)
-the lottery (people get their hopes up, and then BOOM some made-up person wins, HEARTBREAK)
-gyms (there's better ways to be active/healthy - and they cost less... get outdoors!)
-drugs (I like the natural or alcohol induced high. Besides, drugs make people die)
-sports where the outcome is pre-determined (aka, all sports)
-last names (I'm friendly enough to be on a first name, last initial basis)
-birthdays (treat every day as if it's your birthday - you should feel special always, not just once a year)
-horoscopes / stars (prove me wrong if you want, but mine doesn't match me)

Oh, and ANYTHING I do, is for 3 main reasons:
1. for my amusement
2. for shock value
3. to get a reaction out of you

The most pro-found part of this blog, and my favorite quote from me:
Life is like a boxing match, I like to throw out jabs and see how people recover. You get bonus points if you fight back, cuz a lazy opponent is one that's not worth my time.

Life Logistics / Get Distracted... Living!

(theme song for this blog. Dance a little bit, while washing your floor!)

You know those times in LIFE when you get super distracted doing stuff... like LIVING? (sub-rant: like a fuken oxymoron over here. LIFE is FOR LIVING, that SHOULD NOT be considered a DISTRACTION!! damn society and it's stupid rules and expectations and judgements)

So, you're LIVING: you go out, and you party, and you have a good time... and you don't come home for 3 days. And then you wake up one morning hungover realizing that all the food in your fridge is expired; you're out of clean clothes to wear, dust has settled everywhere in your place, and you cat has died of starvation in his overflowing litter box.

And so you're like: 'shit, why does life have all this logistical stuff that has to be done?'  I mean, who came up with this? Showering AND washing your hair AND shaving your legs. Cooking AND eating AND doing dishes! Sleeping AND getting up! Geez!

Yeah, today was a logistical day. My legs are smooth though.

Let's Introduce Ourselves (Pt. One)

(still thinking of a theme song for this one)

The introduction of ones-self to another person, can be considered a fundamental part of life. Whether it be pleasantries with your grocery store cashier, co-workers in a new work environment, a friend of a friend, or that 'one' you've been searching for on the internet, you naturally want to make a good first impression.
Meaning... you don't want to be your TRUE self - shit, that would scare anyone off!
But if you choose to do the lying or deception thing - well, that only lasts for so long... Eventually, they're going to find out you're an asshole, so save everyone the trouble and don't lead them on with the idea that you are someone you are not.
That's the life lesson of the day, thanks for coming out!

When meeting a new person, there's a getting-to-know each other formality. You assess the other person, by their demeanor or their speech. OR in my case, you push and push to see when you've stepped over the line, and evaluate their reaction. Then, lesson leaned, line drawn.
Dating is that stupid exception that makes everything go in fast-forward. Even the talking and walking speeds up a little bit more cuz you are so eager to hold each others hand or get in each others pants (whatever your preference is, chances are you're not getting both). And EVERY TIME when you're halfway through date two life seems like an high pressure interview or interrogation. AND THAT'S WHY PEOPLE PUT OUT DATE TWO boys and girls. They just want to stop talking and start moaning already.

A Date

( theme song for this blog open up the link and rock out while reading. )

A Date. A simple concept, right? but is it? cuz I`m confused!

When you speak to most people, especially those 40+, they will tell you that these days the whole concept of `dating` has become too casual and courtship has been replaced by just `hanging out`. Personally, I like casual, and if I want to go out and have drinks with someone, I do consider it a `date` (but evidently, I might be the only one). Where does society draw that blurred line from simply kicking it vs. an ACTUAL date?

 In the past week, I`ve set out to find the modern definition of a true date. And the answers have been nothing short of hilarious. I`ve gotten descriptions of the perfect first date: high class restaurants, how a girls nails should be done, and the type of pearls and perfume she is to wear. Some people define a date as a night involving awkwardness, or butterflies, or sweaty palms... while others think that it`s not a date unless someone makes a `move` (which we could go on a sub-rant about - what is a move? holding hands. touching of the knee, licking each others fingers?)

 In my opinion, any time you hang out with another person, just the two of you, it is a date. The reason being that there will most likely be: 1.some personal conversation involved 2.obviously you are attracted to something about them, or else you wouldn`t be spending time with them 3.there is ALWAYS a potential for something more. But after many days and many sub-discussions (example: -friend- a date is two people spending time to get know each other with the intention of potentially getting romantically involved. -me- isn`t there always potential? -friend- I`m married -me-regardless, I could potentially throw myself at you at any given moment, that`s a risk you`re taking by kicking it w me) I`ve figured out what the disconnect was. You see, I think the courtship leading up to the `am I sexually attracted to this person` are considered dates. As opposed to the rest of society, which seems to assume that the first move has already been made when people are out on dates. But I mean, that first move (see sub-rant above), that`s the best part - and I like to save it for date 8.

 How this all came about: (the backstory) I hung out w a person of the opposite sex the other day (a co-worker, after a super stressful work day, if you must know the details). The jist: we had a few drinks at a couple bars. The following week at work, while shooting the shit, I say `yeah, buddy and I were discussing blah work blah Friday night on our date, it was super romantic (insert sarcasm here)` to which my boss asks `well, was it an ACTUAL date`. This is the naturally response; the need for work gossip to get us through the mundane existence in our 50 hour work weeks... And though the question could have been fore casted, my lack of applicable response came across as a very loud ARE YOU ASKING ME IF WE MADE OUT!?! And therefore a weeks worth of interrogations began.

 Everyone I`ve ranted to hears me out in my attempts to convince them that EVERYTHING is a date, and at the end they simply state `you`re wrong` without providing a more applicable definition. I think you should be able to date without the expectation of a hickey or sexting at the end of the night, and I will wear sweat pants proudly on dates, if I so choose. And though I think I part-take in a number of dates, I don`t think I am ever dating, which is where shit gets really confusing.