Dating Advice from AnnaB to Herself

If you met me, I believe one of your first impressions would be “bitch”. Then probably one of “confidence” with progression to “whoa, she just doesn’t give a fuk”. But once in a while that confidence just takes a backseat and I over analyze and over think and exaggerate EVERYTHING... Probably (no actually, definitely) get emotional. And so I’m wondering, what makes that switch?

Oh, right. Feelings. When I admit (just to myself, not even anybody else) that I have feelings for someone, that’s where the turn is, that where my downfall begins. “Do I look pretty enough for him?”, “should I/shouldn’t I have said that?”, “do you think he misses me?”, “what if there’s someone else?”… blah blah blah in an endless cycle. “I wonder what he’s doing now”, “why hasn’t he messaged me yet?”… ect ect.

WORST THING EVER!!!!  Cuz he doesn’t like psycho me!!! He likes the “I don’t fuken care what you think, I’ll do what I want”, “I didn’t even put any effort in, and I still look like a rockstar” kinda me. SO EASY to say. 

Now let’s practice Anna, pretend you never acknowledged those feelings, just be your asshole self. 

I've Seen Your Penis!!!

The prologue:
So, a few years ago, I met a boy through my work that I was very infatuated with. Salt n Pepper hair, a few years older than me, gorgeous, Irish. We flirted a little bit, then I asked him out. We met for a quick drink- and I even surprised him by paying the bill (I found that guys hate it when you do that - especially at the beginning). However, when we were texting and talking on the phone leading up to the 2nd date, he kept saying "buddy", and I got confused. I asked my girlfriends if this was a normal thing, but they just shrugged it off.

So, drinks round two. We're laughing and flirting and he's got his hand on my thigh or whatever, and there it is... "buddy". So I got into one of my little tangents (which is me basically freaking out and yelling at someone - I do it fairly often. Eventually, you get used to it, cuz you realize it's just how I try to prove my point). It went something like "So... I'm fuken confused, are you attracted to me or not?" and naturally, he was taken back (probably physically leaned back as well in a "where the fuk did that come from" kinda way) and stammered, "ugh, I am... why?" BUDDY, BUDDY! BUD! WHO SAYS THAT? (that last part I said in a whisper - not at all). Spoiler alert: there was no date 3.

The rant:
Which brings me to current life. "Present day" if you will. I'm on the phone with one of the most genuine people I know, a really good friend of mine. And as per usual, I'm venting about this and that and walking down the street just screaming into the phone (I swear, he probably turns it down a couple notches when talking to me) and it's as if I could hear him roll his eyes at the point I was making (whatever it was) "Sure, bud" he says. BUD? BUD? AS IN BUDDY? "Ugh, yeah" he sounds confused. YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! "Okay, pal" is the response - and one that I saw coming, by the way. YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! I'm sticking by this point! He is still confused as to why... and so my "lady like demeanor" goes out the window...

BECAUSE I'VE SEEN YOUR PENIS!!!

And that is the life lesson here boys (cuz I believe ALL the girls will be on my side for this one). IF you are ever with a girl, and you want her to... eventually SEE YOUR PENIS you will NOT use the words: buddy... pal... slugger... champ... you can probably use "dude" and "mate" but I'd do so rarely.

If you are with a girl and she has seen your penis in the past - you are not "buds", you can be friends, sure. but realistically, one or both of you are still hung up on the other/eachother, so no, you cannot use those terms. Honestly guys, if she's seen your penis once, there's always a chance of her seeing it again. Small chance sure (think dumb and dumber here - "so you're saying there's a chance) but it's there. And you can call me out on the "friends zone" bullshit all day long, but one way to guarantee it's never gonna happen again is by calling her BUDDY.

In Everyone's Belly Button, is a Little Bit of Cum

Now, how this statement came about, is really irrelevant. BUT while sailing on a catamaran for two weeks, with a lot of time to lounge around and soak up the sun, and have random thoughts running through my head, I realized, that I believe that statement to be 95% true.

I mean, "everyone" might be a bit of an exaggeration. There's exceptions to that: celibate people, those who just don't like sex, the really young/old extremes may have a less likely chance of it - but still not excluded... lesbians? them I'm not sure about, but anyway, pretty much everyone.

AND I'm not talking about massive amounts. I'm gonna assume the average joe who has the average amount of sex, has still got some. Not a noticeable amount, but if you CSI DNA swabbed that shit, 95%. Yup! it'd be present. True story.

And I welcome ALL arguments. Please prove me wrong! Tell me why you disagree. But I really doubt it. That's right people. It's all about equality. We're all in this together. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Let's just embrace it.

I saw a female comedian at a festival once. She started off her set by looking around at all the girls and simply saying "Ladies, let's just think bout something for a second.... We put penises in our mouths" ... .... ... .... ... .... ... .... ... .... Then She was silent. That all she needed to say, and the girls just looked from one another, acknowledging that statement in silent affirmation.

And that's what I want you to do now, friends. Just think about it, for a second... ... .... .... ..... ... .... ... .... ... ..... In everyone's bellybutton, is a little bit of cum. Am i wrong?

Why Don't You Just Settle Down?

I read something the other day captioned "Don't Settle, Do What's Right For You". Without even realizing it, those word got to me. Hours later, I was thinking about this word: SETTLE. Let's discuss.

Ever since the early stages of life, this word has had a negative connotation. "Settle Down". "Calm Down". Seriously! If it wasn't for your parents, it was your teachers. And what did they really mean? It wasn't encouragement for you to continue what you were doing. Singling, dancing, socializing with your friends, having fun! It was a demand! At conforming! Sit down. Shut up. Listen up. "I am 'the man', and you will obey me".

Fastforward to teenage and adult life. You start dating, you always go after the jerks, you want to belong, but you get treated like shit. And the advice you get? "He wasn't good enough for you! Don't settle for that!" I'd like to believe that's the reason I've mainly been single. That no ones managed to impress me enough to give them a chance. But that's probably not it. Do I settle? Maybe,

But now, haha, welcome to your 30's! And the questions crushing your spirits: "Why haven't you settled down yet?". "You should get a career, and settle down". I just want to yell at these people. Because I'm a rebel and I do what I want! I won't do it. I won't have a house and 2.5 kids - 'because that's what a well behaved girl my age should do'. I'm gonna wait, for that head over heels love to find me instead of settling for mediocrity. And how 'bout I continue living my life in the mean time? If that means singing, dancing, traveling, and being naked while I do it, then cheers!

So when you talk so fondly of having "settled down" please excuse me that I don't have those warm gushy feelings exploding from me. It's never been a positive before!

I Just Want You To Love Me

Relationships.
What a complicated concept! (I truly think this, but really wish they were simple). Can two people actually want the exact same things? Isn't one person always going to fall harder than the other? Is there a way to just be happy without the addition of jealousy or insecurity or resentment?

I recently read a book in which the author talked about the "perfect relationship". She describes the actions and emotions you go through when you first start dating someone. When you are "pretending to be the person your partner wants you to be". Let's stop there for a second and think about this. It is true. At the beginning, you are pretending to be the person they want you to be.

When I like someone, I fall into the category of being the "cool girl". I never get jealous, I encourage him to spend time with his friends, and I support his passions and part-take in his hobbies. But maybe these actions aren't how I truly want to act (I want him to spend more time with me, to only have eyes for me, to PROVE how much he likes me in return).

The guys do it too. All the little things to "woo" you: the gestures, surprise kisses, walks holding hands, and fun date nights. (When really, his buddy's are at a game he could be at, he'd never normally skip the gym, and would much rather be eating chips and watching an action movie). Are we all just acting?

The author talks about the times when things start going wrong (end of the honeymoon period) that's when you finally start acting like yourself. But (MIND BLOWN) the other person doesn't really know the real you, and maybe they don't necessarily LIKE who YOU are. They want the  person you were pretending to be; that's the person they "fell for".

Well shit, I think this is spot on! I totally think this is the way it works! And you know what, it sucks. It sucks that this is the way things are. That you get people to fall for a lie, and then by proxy have to keep that lie up order to keep that person around. Maybe that person IS better. The non-jealous, non-dramatic, encouraging, selfless you.

So now I wanna ask all my friends in happy relationships to give me their two cents. Please tell me that there is a happily ever after that includes less pretending and more accepting (and keep in mind that accepting and conforming/settling are two different things)

An overdue update

Hello internet world. What could I tell you? I was going insane at my corporate job in Canada. The 50 hour work weeks for no money and too must stress wasn't really doing it for me. Plus, I wanted to be self sufficient... live alone and stuff. Well, I couldn't afford it on my "assistant" corporate salary, and after trying for about a year, I decided that I just needed more than one job.

Fastforward to that time I hadn't slept for weeks straight (actually, I was working 110hour weeks and commuting in between) got to the epitamy of physically ill (my body's only way of rebelling at that point, cuz sleep wasn't happening) and ended up in the hospital. Time for a vacation I thought.

I set off to Ireland for three weeks to drink with the Irish, and a few weeks later, ended up living in Australia!

"She must've gotten really drunk" is what you must be thinking, but nope. While trying to figure out a way to not have to return to my stressful "everyday" existence, it was pointed out to me some age restrictions for working abroad, and when push came to shove, I ditched my "everyday" and moved along.

So in other news, that last post I wrote makes me laugh a bunch. To remember how things used to be and not being ready to make the decision, to it being made for me in the long run, and now me loving my everyday.

I have a travel blog with my stories as well, but this one... well on here, I'm just gonna write about a lot of sex-related stuff. Hope everyone's cool with that :)

In.Bed.By.9.

I've always wanted to live the life of a rockstar. Travel the world. Drink lots. Go on crazy adventures with fun people. Maybe break the law a little bit. 

For a while, I had my own rockstar-type adventures: Drove all night to a far off towns for a rock show. Slept in the car. Had no money. Flirted my way into places. Or just broke in. Only worked contract jobs when I had to. I knew people. I crowd surfed every week. I belted out lyrics until my voice was gone. I smashed cars for fun. Then danced on their rooftops. It was a hell of a time. 

But somewhere along the line I fell into the corporate trap. That deep well you fall into. When you're up and dressed by 7 am. And working 12hour days to help the man get rich, a handfull of times each week. The wearing of the collared shirts, and lack of a half sleeve tattoo on my arm, makes me feel like 'hey, I've made it this far through life playing according to society's rules, should I really stop now?' 

But the conversations I have with people still living their life according to their rockstar dreams, makes me think that, yes, maybe things could be different. Maybe I could stay up all night. And fall asleep to the lights of the sunrise. Maybe I could rock out on empty streets. When the drunken debauchery disappears. And the world sleeps. The outdoor sex possibilities. And the blood pumping adrenaline from knowing that you do what you want. And no one is around to judge you. Or stop you. Or say discouraging things. It all makes the void in my life very present. , 

Could rockstar living be the better alternative to a life full of schedules and meetings? Should I dive further into corporate culture and become one of those people? Those who have their lives so together that they want to wake up at 4am. To go for a run. And eat breakfast. And play guitar, before going to their 8am jobs? Should I be in bed by dusk without leading any type of social existence? Besides an early dinner. With a class of wine. No dessert? 

Shit,  if I didn't love sleep. And naps. And laying down daydreaming with my eyes closed so much, I'd consider eliminating sleep all together. I'd be happy just be awake living life always. And not just a portion of each day... But those times when you're in bed with someone you care about, sharing silence... those are moments that shouldn't be taken for granted, or taken away. Meaning, our days are already filled with too many to-do's, and sleep is awesome. 

What's my point? I guess I'm trying to make that life-altering decision as to what I want in the near future. Do I want to party like a rockstar? And live it up? Causing chaos before I run out of time? Will I leave corporate bullshit? Or will I decide to pay by the rules of vacation days that are scheduled in advance? Of punching in and punching out. And getting shitty healthcare as an added bonus? Will I one day just snap. And get on my motorcycle. And ride into the sunset towards Guatemala, with no plans to ever return? Will I stress out trying to find a part time gig that will in tern takes away all my free time? 

I want to blog., And I want to get my frustrations out. And I want to rock out and stay out late! But my eyes grow droopy when those covers hit my legs. I can't stay awake. I'm in bed by 9. 

Hey - I'm a Romantic!

The definition of romantic, according to AnnaB! is simply that... of holding hands. Sweet, and easy. But hold hands the proper way boys and girls: palms together, fingers intertwined. None of this mitten-type hand holding when your fingers touch each other instead of your beau's. Any time two people hold hands, it SHOULD be considered romantic. 

I brought this up at a New Years Party to some random people I didn't know, and stirred up a bit of a rucckas. One girl thought my theory was bullshit because when she tried to hold her boys hand, it would last 30 seconds and then he'd pull away. Naturally, I'd wanted to give the girl the 'he's just not that into you' speech, but what do I know?... so I went on to explain: 'It's not the length that matters, it's the technique (I know... - as if we all haven't heard that one before *rolls eyes*)  and when she demonstrated how they held hands, it WAS in fact, ROMANTIC. 

So, you ask, 'if I'm giving it to her from behind, but holding her hand like that...' -yup,  it's romantic. 

'And if I finish and it goes up her nose...?'  -yup, still romantic. 

'And if I have my hands clasped like that over the back of  her head when I'm...',  WHOA, if your're holding your own hand romantically, that may count as only romantic to you. Let's not get the two confused. Everyone got it?

Alright: time to go through the motions: 

AnnaB Gives Bullshit Relationship Advice, A Topic She Know Nothing About

Step One: Getting Her Attention

How should you go about getting out of the friend zone with that pretty, shy, girl next door? Simple! Hold her hand. A girl usually reacts one of two ways: 1. she' s thrown off by it and pulls away (in which case boys, give up while you can, you're perma-friend-zone'd) or 2. she could be thrown off by it but allow it to continue, in which case, if you strategize how to get her bra off with the other hand, you'll be golden! *sidenote* Girls with attitude will test you when you go for their hand 'umm why are you holding my hand?' is a pretty straight-forwardly-common question. This does NOT MEAN 'stop holding my hand', it's just a test to see how you answer. The best way is the truth:  Tell them that is your BEST MOVE... OR tell them AnnaB told you to do it (I need more hits on this blog)

 

Step Two: Woo'ing Her

You got a date? Congratulations! Taking her to a Movie? How original! Need to make a move? Simple! Hold her hand. One of the best places to hold hands is at the movies. No one looks at you as if you're cheesy, cuz it's dark. You get to play with each others fingers and draw hearts in each others palms. But you're nervous about just reaching over? Wait until she grabs some popcorn, then meet her hand inside the bucket. Holding hands in popcorn is uber romantic. Your fingers intertwined in that buttery goodness, all slimey making your heart skip a beat! 

AND THEN, if you're really romantic - you could lick each others butter glistened fingers. Not in the sloppy 'I'm eating chicken wings' kinda way, but more like the way they do in porn, you know? Hold the  persons hand with both your own, choosing that one finger, then looking them romantically in the eyes and licking it super slow... and them swallowing hard? AND, once you're finished licking them, you could go back to hand holding. :)

I've been pretty adamant about this hand holding business the last month or so, and I stick by it. And when I think back, all the boys I tend to like...

 yup,.. they've held my hand.

Wrap your Head Around Some Roadkill Banter

One of my favorite things in the world is banter. Banter between men and women. that serves no purpose, because no point is really ever proven.  The different perspectives and opposing, unheard-of arguments can be down-right hilarious. And though there may be some leeway in both directions, a bit of compromise if you will, there definitely is no unanimous 'correct' answer or agreement. (I wonder what side most gay people take - still half and half?) And like a thirsty vampire looking for its next drop of blood, I search for such enraging topics that will segregate us from one another, forcing us to figure out a way to WIN. Win and rub it in for always. (but that's a topic for another blog)

I heard a radio show clip the other day, talking about the push and pull game we all play in relationships. Also known as cat and mouse, we chase one another in a means to impress or woo or prove our worthiness to the other person. The way the conversation was shaping up on this top-40-overplayed-crap-music radio station, was essentially re-iterrating the fact that men LIKE to chase women. The comparison made, was that men are hunters by nature - and they want to go out and hunt. That the chase pleasurable for them and they enjoy it. 

The dude was re-emphasizing the testosterone-driven-accomplishment that men feel for achieving the seldom-possible task of winning the girl over.  His female counterpart on the opposing microphone was trying to make sense of the fact that women shouldn't be 'easy to get', shouldn't make themselves readily available, but instead continue making dudes 'work for it'. The man goes on to say that no hunter, when going out with his shotgun, looking for that juicy piece of meat, would stop on the side of the road to take home the roadkill, because the roadkill was too easy to come by, and the roadkill held no challenge.

REWIND.... 'wait, did they just compare women, and aquiring women to roadkill?' I asked the boy who's hand I was holding at the time. 'Yup...yup they did' he says simply.

Take a breathe.

Let that all sink in. 

And once you've wrapped your heard around it,  you can push this joke to an EVEN MORE disrespectfully-uncomfortable spot,and start comparing picking up girls to clubbing seals... 'you just hit em on the head and drag em home, that's why dudes like chicks with long hair' (said people that will remain nameless) WELL, that steps over the line. And we as equals playing a game of flattery and intrigue and seduction can banter no more. Because really, what is there to say to counter-act that? Beyond the point of no return. Wow. 

One point mens team for the WIN. Hand-holding........off.

Let's Introduce Me (Pt. Two)

(theme song for this blog. The first half of lyrics are fun, but the whole song is good so...)

This is a little preview for any future boys that are attempting to woo e. I shall save you some of the interrogation (although,let's face it, that is my favorite par, because I get to talk about one of my favorite things [me])

I have a lot of rules. I can't write these down because most of them I make up as I go along. But I am attracted mainly to rockstars and assholes, so just pretend like you're one of those, and we'll get along great.

I'm 'AGAINST' a lot of things. Here is 1/2 of them:
-doctors (they've never told me anything useful)
-line-ups / waiting, for anything really (especially doctors... and rockshows)
-the lottery (people get their hopes up, and then BOOM some made-up person wins, HEARTBREAK)
-gyms (there's better ways to be active/healthy - and they cost less... get outdoors!)
-drugs (I like the natural or alcohol induced high. Besides, drugs make people die)
-sports where the outcome is pre-determined (aka, all sports)
-last names (I'm friendly enough to be on a first name, last initial basis)
-birthdays (treat every day as if it's your birthday - you should feel special always, not just once a year)
-horoscopes / stars (prove me wrong if you want, but mine doesn't match me)

Oh, and ANYTHING I do, is for 3 main reasons:
1. for my amusement
2. for shock value
3. to get a reaction out of you

The most pro-found part of this blog, and my favorite quote from me:
Life is like a boxing match, I like to throw out jabs and see how people recover. You get bonus points if you fight back, cuz a lazy opponent is one that's not worth my time.

Life Logistics / Get Distracted... Living!

(theme song for this blog. Dance a little bit, while washing your floor!)

You know those times in LIFE when you get super distracted doing stuff... like LIVING? (sub-rant: like a fuken oxymoron over here. LIFE is FOR LIVING, that SHOULD NOT be considered a DISTRACTION!! damn society and it's stupid rules and expectations and judgements)

So, you're LIVING: you go out, and you party, and you have a good time... and you don't come home for 3 days. And then you wake up one morning hungover realizing that all the food in your fridge is expired; you're out of clean clothes to wear, dust has settled everywhere in your place, and you cat has died of starvation in his overflowing litter box.

And so you're like: 'shit, why does life have all this logistical stuff that has to be done?'  I mean, who came up with this? Showering AND washing your hair AND shaving your legs. Cooking AND eating AND doing dishes! Sleeping AND getting up! Geez!

Yeah, today was a logistical day. My legs are smooth though.

Let's Introduce Ourselves (Pt. One)

(still thinking of a theme song for this one)

The introduction of ones-self to another person, can be considered a fundamental part of life. Whether it be pleasantries with your grocery store cashier, co-workers in a new work environment, a friend of a friend, or that 'one' you've been searching for on the internet, you naturally want to make a good first impression.
Meaning... you don't want to be your TRUE self - shit, that would scare anyone off!
But if you choose to do the lying or deception thing - well, that only lasts for so long... Eventually, they're going to find out you're an asshole, so save everyone the trouble and don't lead them on with the idea that you are someone you are not.
That's the life lesson of the day, thanks for coming out!

When meeting a new person, there's a getting-to-know each other formality. You assess the other person, by their demeanor or their speech. OR in my case, you push and push to see when you've stepped over the line, and evaluate their reaction. Then, lesson leaned, line drawn.
Dating is that stupid exception that makes everything go in fast-forward. Even the talking and walking speeds up a little bit more cuz you are so eager to hold each others hand or get in each others pants (whatever your preference is, chances are you're not getting both). And EVERY TIME when you're halfway through date two life seems like an high pressure interview or interrogation. AND THAT'S WHY PEOPLE PUT OUT DATE TWO boys and girls. They just want to stop talking and start moaning already.

A Date

( theme song for this blog open up the link and rock out while reading. )

A Date. A simple concept, right? but is it? cuz I`m confused!

When you speak to most people, especially those 40+, they will tell you that these days the whole concept of `dating` has become too casual and courtship has been replaced by just `hanging out`. Personally, I like casual, and if I want to go out and have drinks with someone, I do consider it a `date` (but evidently, I might be the only one). Where does society draw that blurred line from simply kicking it vs. an ACTUAL date?

 In the past week, I`ve set out to find the modern definition of a true date. And the answers have been nothing short of hilarious. I`ve gotten descriptions of the perfect first date: high class restaurants, how a girls nails should be done, and the type of pearls and perfume she is to wear. Some people define a date as a night involving awkwardness, or butterflies, or sweaty palms... while others think that it`s not a date unless someone makes a `move` (which we could go on a sub-rant about - what is a move? holding hands. touching of the knee, licking each others fingers?)

 In my opinion, any time you hang out with another person, just the two of you, it is a date. The reason being that there will most likely be: 1.some personal conversation involved 2.obviously you are attracted to something about them, or else you wouldn`t be spending time with them 3.there is ALWAYS a potential for something more. But after many days and many sub-discussions (example: -friend- a date is two people spending time to get know each other with the intention of potentially getting romantically involved. -me- isn`t there always potential? -friend- I`m married -me-regardless, I could potentially throw myself at you at any given moment, that`s a risk you`re taking by kicking it w me) I`ve figured out what the disconnect was. You see, I think the courtship leading up to the `am I sexually attracted to this person` are considered dates. As opposed to the rest of society, which seems to assume that the first move has already been made when people are out on dates. But I mean, that first move (see sub-rant above), that`s the best part - and I like to save it for date 8.

 How this all came about: (the backstory) I hung out w a person of the opposite sex the other day (a co-worker, after a super stressful work day, if you must know the details). The jist: we had a few drinks at a couple bars. The following week at work, while shooting the shit, I say `yeah, buddy and I were discussing blah work blah Friday night on our date, it was super romantic (insert sarcasm here)` to which my boss asks `well, was it an ACTUAL date`. This is the naturally response; the need for work gossip to get us through the mundane existence in our 50 hour work weeks... And though the question could have been fore casted, my lack of applicable response came across as a very loud ARE YOU ASKING ME IF WE MADE OUT!?! And therefore a weeks worth of interrogations began.

 Everyone I`ve ranted to hears me out in my attempts to convince them that EVERYTHING is a date, and at the end they simply state `you`re wrong` without providing a more applicable definition. I think you should be able to date without the expectation of a hickey or sexting at the end of the night, and I will wear sweat pants proudly on dates, if I so choose. And though I think I part-take in a number of dates, I don`t think I am ever dating, which is where shit gets really confusing.